If I love black men as a whole, encourage them publicly, support them regardless of their struggles or success, but I date someone who isn’t black, does that make me a hypocrite? This is the internal struggle that I deal with on a daily basis. I would love to marry a black man, have a bunch of Afrocentric black babies with big, natural hair, and live every day loving and supporting everything black. But as I have dated black men over the years the further away I feel I get from that becoming a reality.
Throughout my life I’ve dated various guys. Black, White, Asian, Latino, European, etc. In high school, all I dated was white guys. I liked alternative music, hung out in the Drama Club, and watched Full House after school. I never felt black enough for the black kids.
I remember the looks I would get whenever I would walk around holding hands with the guy I was with. I didn’t think anything of dating white men because at the time most of my friends and neighbors were white so I didn’t realize how I stood out being the only black person in the group when people looked at us.
After attending college where I knew no one prior to coming in I quickly realized that the black kids primarily only hung with other black kids. Although the campus was very diverse, the cliques were clearly divided. I began to learn more about Black history in college, much more than I ever learned in high school and began to associate with, listen to and watch programs by people who looked like me.
From then on, all of my significant relationships were with black men. I’ve dealt with the playboy athletes, the nerdy shy guys, the fast talking liars, the disappearing acts, and the guys who will tell you anything to get in your pants. Now these personas aren’t specific to black men but it was very difficult for me to find a guy to take seriously.
Every time I thought things were going somewhere they would show up to a party with a different girl or after talking for weeks and going out on dates they would drop off the face of the earth. If I wasn’t willing to give them what they wanted they were on to the next girl who was ready to do whatever, whenever.
As I matured into my late twenties I branched out and started to date a broader variety of men. I found that most men from other races were very upfront about what they were looking for, not interested in playing games. They appreciated everything about women and wanted to protect them and provide for them, not treat them like play things.
Obviously this is not a generalization. I have many friends and seen many strong, healthy, beautiful, support black partnerships. I’ve seen some great examples of what marriage and relationship should represent. My grandparents are one example.
My grandfather is a loving, thoughtful, compromising, and supportive husband. Anything my grandmother wants, she gets, material, emotional, or otherwise. He has emphasized to not only treat other people with love and respect but to accept nothing less in return. My grandparents have been married for almost 50 years and they’ve both worked hard to maintain a strong and healthy marriage.
I’d love to have that same feeling but after dating unsuccessfully for almost 15 years of my life, I need to change something about how I’m selecting men. Some people can get out of one relationship that ends for whatever reason, sneeze, and then turn around and have another long term relationship. I’ve never been that girl.
My relationships have been unpredictable, short term, and reoccurring. I’m the girl that dates the same guy over and over for years. Literally. We are together and then we aren’t. Then we date other people and we find our way back to each other. I’ve learned that if you’re meant to be with someone, it doesn’t take several attempts to get it right.
In order to seek the love that I want, I need to start fresh with a clear idea of what I want from a man and a relationship. Does that mean I should seriously venture outside of black men? I’ve flirted and gone out of dates with all kinds of guys not really taking them seriously because in my mind, I was going to end up with a black man. But in the end black men don’t seem to feel the same way about me.
Every time I go out or people watch at work I see black men approaching only a certain type of woman. There will be beautiful women of all shapes, shades, and sizes but the most attractive men in the room will all try to talk to the same girl. She’s usually white or light skin with exotic features.
When I see this I think to myself, how many single, eligible black bachelors are left that are attracted to black women? For years black men have been dating outside of their race and some of them have been very vocal about their distain for black women. I would never want stereotype or bash black men because of the bad experiences I have had with a select few.
Should I give up on black men like most of them have given up on black women? When women of other races plump their lips, braid their hair, or get ass injections they are “trend setters” for altering their looks. How come black women don’t receive the same praise for looking that way naturally.
I just want to feel like black men appreciate black women and their features. I want to hear them say how beautiful our natural hair is whether it be nappy or curly. I want them to praise us for our thickness or our curvy shapes. I want them to lust after black women the way they lust after Kim Kardashian.
When I see who is getting notoriety and for what it’s not for being real. I’m never going to have lighter skin, my hair is never going to be naturally straight or wavy. I don’t have the biggest butt or largest breast. I just want someone to see me, a black girl with thick thighs, full lips, flabby arms, and natural hair and say, I love her just the way she is.