Boris Kodjoe did an interview in which he advised daters to write down all of the attributes they’re looking for in a significant other and then ask themselves: would that person date you? The person giving the interview was quite impressed with that logic and so was I. For fear of not becoming the crazy old cat lady who never leaves her house and spends the rest of her days alone, I constantly think about whether I’m too “picky”. My friends say that I am, but I feel like I know what I want and shouldn’t have to settle or force myself to date someone I’m not truly interested in simply for the sake of not being alone.
I have guys who are in my life or have been in my life for a while and since the both of us are single, everyone will ask, “Why not give him a chance?” And the simple answer would be because I don’t want to. I’m not so superficial where I’m waiting for the nation’s most eligible bachelor to come knocking on my door but I have a very clear idea of what I’m looking for. Under any other circumstance a woman being clear and decisive would be praised. If I could know what I wanted to eat, or where I wanted to go out that weekend, or what I wanted to do for my birthday when someone asked me that would be a great relief. But when it comes to dating when I say I know what I want I’m asking for too much.
I try not to be unrealistic. When it comes down to it, I want someone who is mature, driven, romantic, honest, and faithful. Not saying they have to be the most attractive person in the room but I have to be attracted to them. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t other traits I desired but when thinking long term certain things will fade or change but there are core values that should be the foundation of the relationship. However, as I meet new people it always seems like I have to settle on at least one. Usually honesty and fidelity are the first to go. I’ve had guys give me their phone to put in my phone number and I catch them hiding the background of them and their girlfriend.
There’s also a lot of bending the rules on what constitutes infidelity. If someone inboxes you and you entertain their conversation is that cheating? With the access social media creates, the stress put on relationships is significantly greater. Does that mean we have to be ok with behavior that makes us uncomfortable because our partner tells us there’s nothing to it? I’m an old fashioned girl living in a world where I feel like the behavior I expect from a man is a thing of the past. Now I have to settle for late night text over afternoon phone calls, meeting him out for drinks with his friends instead of having a one on one date, and guys juggling several women at one time instead of wanting to commit to one.
I’ve had a friend tell me the older I get, the less selective I’m allowed to be. As if I’m one of those products at the grocery store that they discount because the expiration date is approaching. “Please! Anyone take me home before I spoil!” I don’t think it’s fair to say that I have to take whatever is out there simply because I’m another year older. Plenty of women spend their 20’s figuring themselves out, focusing on their careers, or choosing to pick up and travel instead of settling down. That’s mainly true for me but add in there my naïve dedication to making relationships work with the wrong guys.
Many great love stories have started after one or both of the parties let go of what they thought they wanted. Maybe they were looking for someone taller, who made more money than them, didn’t already have kids or came from a certain background. But once they let their guard down and dated outside the box they ended up falling in love with someone unexpectedly perfect. How do we decide whether it’s worth continuing to turn down the guys who don’t check all of our boxes in the hopes that the guy we think we want will come along?