Somewhere on some social media platform I said that I didn’t have a New Years resolution. Now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to think about it, I’ve realized that I have a major flaw that I need to address. I am a ghoster. Not just occasionally, but with reckless abandon.
I would get so irritated, annoyed, confused, and hurt after I started talking to a guy, maybe even gone on a date with them and then they went ghost or in simpler terms, disappeared. I would stress over why. Did I do something wrong? Was it something I said? Was I giving off the wrong energy? Did I offend them? And I could curse them for being so rude as to not just say, “Hey I’m not interested.” Or “I met someone else.”
Now look at me. Guilty as sin of doing the same exact thing I would be disgusted at someone else for doing. (You wouldn’t believe the names I’ve called them.) But I recently realized I’m no better and maybe even worse. I met a guy from a dating app and when I walked in I was disappointed to see he was a good 20 lbs heavier than in his photos. He wanted to talk about Trump, race, politics all extremely disinteresting and uncomfortable topics for a first date. Then when I told him I needed to leave to meet a friend he told me it was rude of me not to set aside my entire night for him.
As I stood in the bathroom, miserable, contemplating sending my friend a SOS text I knew what I had to do. I went out, looked him in the face and told him… Sure, I’ll have another drink. Then I proceeded to tell him we would hang out again and gave him my real number.
Instead of having the balls to say, this date isn’t going well and I’m going to leave I lied and bargained my way out of it. As he text me after I left, I had another opportunity to be honest but instead I just blocked him so I didn’t have to deal with it. That same night a guy followed me out of the bar of my horrible date and accompanied me to my next destination. He grew drunk and obnoxious so instead of dealing with him I left while he was in the bathroom.
Yes, as I type these words I realize how horrible I sound. Yes, I know that I deserve to be called every named I’ve called guys who ghosted me in the past. It’s not an excuse but I am an avoider. Unless I’m emotionally invested in you I don’t feel like addressing why we shouldn’t talk anymore. If we are on a date and you can’t tell that I’m not having a good time then why should I bring it up? I have spent hours with a guy, maybe even over multiple dates, and then realized I just don’t want to spend anymore time with them and POOF I’m gone.
I don’t set out to ghost guys. I really just don’t like telling someone why I don’t like them or being in uncomfortable situations. I would rather tell you I’ll talk to you later, leave, then block you on every social media platform, Whattsapp, Viber, Skype, MySpace and my personal cell phone so you can’t contact me.
After ignoring text messages or in some cases blocking them, I’ve had guys find me on Instagram or Facebook and message me like “Hey how have you been?” As if I hadn’t been blatantly ignoring them for several weeks. You may think the effort is endearing and I would respond to their messages but I don’t.
In my head, I think, don’t worry this guy probably did it to someone else and this is his karma. But what about my karma?? I’m tired of being a ghostee. If I meet a guy and I think things are going well but he doesn’t I want him to have the decency to tell me things aren’t going any further instead of falling off the face of the earth. So I owe any guy I date that same decency.
So here is my pledge for 2017 and beyond. I will no longer go on a date with a guy and at the end assure him we will have another date unless I mean it. I won’t text my friends during dates telling them to call me so I can bail. I won’t instantly block someone just because I don’t want to go on another date with them. I will maturely tell them it was great meeting them but I don’t think we are compatible. If I can make this change, maybe I can offset the cycle of ghosting in some small way.
But maybe I should still keep the option to block them if they’re annoying?